Lock down has made me notice plenty more about how much I nag my teen!
How the teen’s in your family doing?
I am a single mum from day one that my daughter was born, it was my choice to have children, I wanted more but it did not happen, so I am a single mum with a single child, which I am truly grateful for.
My daughter is 15 and when I talk to clients who have teenagers, or children generally there are always stories of OMG, stress, selfish, lazy, attitude, angry, depressed, self harm the list goes on and sometimes it makes a very sad story for the experience of the parent.
I too could add my daughter to some of the above list, attitude, lazy, anger and believe me since this lock down we have had many clashes, it is also quite intense as its just her and I so we have nowhere to go to dilute us apart from another room!
Our fights are because we are both reacting from our thoughts in the moment, even though we are arguing about the same thing we have separate realities on how we are seeing it, neither of us is right or wrong, apart from when I pull the parent card then my thoughts are I am so right, but not really in truth, just different thinking.
This is where it gets interesting….I know where its coming from as does she, although sometimes she says its all a load of crap, both of us know quite quickly that if we let ourselves see it for what it really is (as in not because of her or me) the shift happens so instantly that we are onto another thing already without actually having to discuss or argue or go round in circles about the so called thing that we were fighting about in the first place. Laughter soon happens again, connection soon happens again, calmness soon happens again and our wisdom kicks in without either of us seeing some big light bolt moment, its all very subtle but knowing its always there is the interesting thing and always working even though sometimes this lock down feels like its the reason.
It can be intense between us, I nag about her phone and her lack of helpfulness………. really I say!
She is 15, coming from a completely different thought in any one moment to me, I cannot make her settle either and if I try when she is not there, fights happen. I work better when I leave that alone, when I see that the irritation is coming from my thinking, not because of her phone and that’s not to say she gets away without the consequences but when I am settled, I can explain what the consequence is without another fight, I make suggestions, set her tasks, go for a walk with the dog, get on our bikes and leave her to come find me when she has settled as well because she too hears better!
We will fight again and we will laugh again, we will be cuddled up again, we will be away in other rooms again, she won’t talk to me again, we connect again and so as human beings with the ups and downs of life I don’t over analyse it, I don’t hold onto feelings of anger, my expectations of how she should be and when I do then the crap happens but it also passes through without having to do much about it.